Title:  Five Words
Author: Rihannsu
E-mail: maximana@yahoo.com
Website: http://www.geocities.com/maximana/
Classification:  Humor
Rating: PG
Spoilers: general season 8
Archive:  XFMU, sure.  Otherwise, please ask, cause I'm obsessive 
like that.
Feedback:  go for it.
Disclaimer: The characters of Doggett, Mulder, Scully, et al. are 
property of 1013 productions.  This particular arrangement of words 
is mine.
Summary:  Entertaining a pregnant lady isn't as easy as some might 
think.

Author's Note:  This is part two of what I call the Stupid!Mulder 
Series.  They're just short, little pieces I wrote really quickly to 
entertain the ladies in the Medusa Lounge and am now inflicting on 
the world at large.  These are not, I repeat NOT, intended as Mulder 
bashing so if you take it that way, it's totally your problem.


      "The Miracle of Life?"  Scully asked and raised a disbelieving 
eyebrow.   "You brought me The Miracle of Life, Mulder." 
       "I thought you might be interested," he said weakly. 
       "That was very thoughtful of you, Fox," Mrs. Scully said 
gently, but rolled her eyes at her daughter. 
       "I went to medical school, Mulder.  I've actually delivered 
babies, you know.  I don't need to watch a god damn tape!" 
       "Dana! Watch your mouth please," her mother said 
sharply.  "You're not going to talk that way around your child, are 
you?" 
       Scully shot her mother a resentful look, but when she couldn't 
get a rise out of Mrs. Scully turned it back on Mulder.  He flinched 
at the annoyance in her gaze. 
       "It's a DVD," he protested.  "I thought it might have some 
cool features or something." 
       "When did you get a DVD player?" Mrs. Scully asked trying to 
divert the conversation. 
       "I didn't," Scully said irritably.  "The Gunmen lent one of 
theirs to me when they found out I was on bed rest.  They thought it 
would help pass the time." 
       "That was very thoughtful of them," Mrs. Scully said. 
       "Yes, it was.  Except I don't have any DVD's to watch. And 
they lent me 15 kung fu movies, none of them with Jet Li or Chow Yun 
Fat by the way.  Skinner's movie collection is limited to Platoon and 
films featuring John Wayne , and now Mulder brings over "The Miracle 
of Life".  Isn't technology wonderful?" She snarled. 
       "Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat?" Mulder asked even though he was 
afraid of the answer. 
       Scully fixed him with a glare.  "Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat are 
the biggest stars in the world except in North America.  And they're 
unbelievably gorgeous," she said in a voice that dared him to argue. 
       For once, he did the wise thing and chose not to.  He looked 
to Mrs. Scully for guidance.  She shrugged and mouthed the 
word `hormones.' 
       "I could go to the video store and get something else," Mulder 
offered weakly. 
       "Don't bother.  Doggett's supposed to bring me some real 
movies when he's finished with work." 
       Mulder smirked at this. "Oh yeah, what do you think he's going 
to bring you.  Rin Tin Tin?  Lassie Come Home?" 
       Scully's glare could have sliced sheet metal. 
       But before she could reply, there was a firm knock at the 
door.  Mrs. Scully opened it and ushered Doggett in.  He was carrying 
a paper grocery bag and plastic bag full of movie boxes. 
       "John," Mrs. Scully said eyeing the grocery bag warily.  "You 
didn't bring her ice cream again, did you?  I thought we talked about 
this?" 
       "It's strawberry, all natural, organic something or other," he 
said letting his Southern accent peek through and fixed her with his 
best `aren't I charming?' grin. 
       Mrs. Scully frowned.  "I guess that's all right then.  But I'm 
not kidding about the snacks."  She turned to include Mulder in her 
glare.  "I want you guys to stop bringing her this awful stuff.  It's 
not good for her or the baby." 
       "I'm still in the room, mom," Scully said crossly. "I'm 
pregnant not mentally impaired, you know." 
       "Oh hush," her mother said. "Do you need anything else?  Do 
you want me to stay for a while?" 
       Scully declined and accepted a farewell hug from her mother.  
With one last warning glare at Doggett and Mulder, Mrs. Scully left 
for the night. 
       Once she was out the door, Scully turned to Doggett.  "You 
brought me all-natural, organic strawberry ice cream?" She said with 
a betrayed glare. 
       He shrugged and went into the kitchen.  A moment later, he 
returned with two spoons and a handful of paper towels. 
       "No, I brought you Phish Food and Chunky Monkey," he said 
handing her a spoon and holding up two cartons for her selection.  
She picked Phish Food.  He handed her the carton and took the other 
back to freezer.  "The strawberry's for me." 
       "You eat organic strawberry ice cream?" Mulder smirked. 
       Doggett shrugged and dug his spoon into his own container.  "I 
had to get it in case Scully's mom looked into the bag." 
       "You're afraid of Scully's mom," Mulder taunted. 
       Doggett gave him a look that clearly said `Duh, and you should 
be too.' 
       "What movies did you bring me?" Scully said around a mouthful 
of chocolate ice cream, marshmallow cream, caramel and fudge fish. 
       Doggett rummaged in the other bag.  "To Have and Have Not and 
The Big Sleep. Can't go wrong with Bogie and Bacall.  Gladiator . . . 
       Mulder snickered and waited for the inevitable fireworks to 
occur.  Instead he found his partner gazing adoringly at Doggett. 
       "Ohhh, Russell Crowe," Scully said happily. 
       Doggett nodded and pulled another movie out of the bag.  "And 
X-men.  I couldn't remember which Australian you wanted.  Russell 
Crowe or Hugh Jackman.  So I got both." 
       Scully looked like she was about to weep for joy. 
       "I don't understand," Mulder said. 
       Doggett looked at him pityingly.  "Pregnant women get randy.  
It's biology.  If you knew any that weren't plastic and inflatable, 
you might know that." 
       Mulder looked outraged but Doggett was having none of it.  So 
he tried giving Scully his best puppy face.  She shrugged 
indifferently.  "He's right.  What else?" She asked. 
       "And I brought you my box set of Clint Eastwood movies." 
       "With the Spaghetti Westerns?" She asked with nearly orgasmic 
fervor. 
       "Yep, all three of them.  And Hang `em High, High Plains 
Drifter, and Two Mules for Sister Sarah." 
       Scully started to get up, but remembered she wasn't supposed 
to move so much.  She motioned for Doggett to come over.  He looked 
at her curiously, but set his ice cream down and went over to sit 
next to her on the couch. 
       Scully wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.  "I 
love you, Agent Doggett." 
       He returned the hug.  "I love you too, Agent Scully," he said 
and gave her a fond pat on the shoulder.  "Can I have a fish?" 
       Scully shook her head and released him.  "I don't love you 
that much," she said and picked up her carton again. 
       Doggett shrugged and returned to his seat and his own carton 
of ice cream. 
       Mulder sat watching torn between bewilderment and 
outrage.  "Hey, what about me?" He sputtered. 
       "What about you?" Scully asked, her spoon halfway to her 
mouth.  "Go get me a glass of water, would you?" 
       Mulder got up grumbling.  "I brought her a nice educational 
movie.  She's a scientist; she should have appreciated it.  But she 
wants to watch cowboy movies and Australians.  And I don't even get 
any ice cream." 
       "Don't touch my Chunky Monkey," Scully shouted from the living 
room. 
       "Clint Eastwood is old enough to be your grandfather," Mulder 
shouted back. 
       "I don't care!" She yelled.  "He's hot.  And so is Bogart and 
so is Russell Crowe and so is Hugh Jackman.  And I'm pregnant, god 
damn it!  I'm fat and my ankles are swollen and I can't do anything 
but sit on this damn couch and listen to you all day.  But right now 
I'm going to sit here and eat my ice cream and watch all these good-
looking men maim and kill people.  So you shut up!" 
       Mulder handed her a glass of water. 
       "Or what?" He sneered. 
       "Or Doggett's going to kick your ass again," she snapped. 
       Mulder looked at Doggett.  "He didn't kick my ass," Mulder 
corrected.  "He just helped me out of his truck." Scully raised her 
eyebrow at him again.  "He isn't going to kick my ass."   He looked 
at the set expression on Scully's face and the indifferent expression 
on Doggett's.  "Are you?" He asked nervously. 
       Doggett shrugged.  "Not because I want to.  But if the boss 
tells me to beat ya down, I gotta do it," he said with a regretful 
expression that was patently fake when contrasted with the amusement 
in his eyes. 
       "So there."  Scully said.  "And put in Hang `em High while 
you're up."