Title:  Odd Man Out
Author:  Mare (MareZX@aol.com)
Category:  VA
Rating:  PG
Spoilers:  DeadAlive
Disclaimer:  Not mine.  Don't sue me.
Summary:  "Mulder's back now.  I don't know what the nature 
of their relationship is and I really don't care.  Whatever they 
mean to each other, they're together again and I don't belong."


ODD MAN OUT
By Mare
MareZX@aol.com
4/3 - 4/7/01

She doesn't need me anymore.

Not that she ever did, but until now I could at least delude 
myself into thinking that my presence had some value for her.  
If it ever did, it sure as hell doesn't anymore.  The way she's 
lying on his chest, I doubt she knows anybody else exists but 
him.

I already know I don't belong here, but if I didn't, the look I 
get from Scully as I open the door to Mulder's room would 
make it crystal clear.  She's surprised; embarrassed that I 
interrupted their intimate moment, but that's not all.  She 
doesn't say a word -- doesn't even move -- and it might be all in 
my head, but I can practically hear her telling me to get out.

I'm already leaving anyway.  I know when I'm the odd man 
out, and it's blatantly obvious that I am here.  She's had 
enough hurt over the last six months; she doesn't need to see 
mine now.  I quietly close the door and retreat to the hall, 
alone.

Just for a second the hallway fades away and I'm in another 
bedroom.  I'm the man in bed; the pregnant woman lying next 
to me with her head on my chest is a blonde, not a redhead.  
We're talking softly, making plans for the future, when she 
asks me, "What do you think of Luke for a boy?"

One blink and I'm back in the hospital hallway, alone again, 
reeling from the memory hit.  I haven't thought of that moment 
in a long, long time, but it's no surprise that it came back now.  
The parallels are right in front of my face.  Their lives are full 
now; complete.  Mine is an empty shell, a shadow of what it used 
to be.

They each have their other half back now.  They have their 
work, she has -- they have -- her baby.  I used to have all that.  
All I have now is the knowledge that I was wrong.

If I want any kind of career, I made the wrong decision about 
Kersh's offer.  If I wanted to spare myself any more of the pain 
I felt when I entered that room, I made the wrong decision.  I 
was wrong about not digging up the grave, and I could've cost 
Scully her happiness.  I was wrong and I've just cost myself... 
God knows what.

I still don't know when this fascination with Scully started.  Six 
months ago, all I wanted to do was protect her -- her and later the 
baby she couldn't be bothered to tell me she's carrying.  I don't 
know why.  I couldn't protect my own family; what made me 
think I could protect her?

But now I'm the odd man out when it comes to that, too.  She 
has Mulder to do that for her now.  I wonder how long it took 
before he fell under her spell.  I wonder if it happened for him 
as fast as it happened for me.

That it happened for me at all is, I guess, partly a good thing.  
These last few months I've had feelings I haven't had in years; 
feelings I thought I'd never have again.  Somehow Scully 
touched a part of me I could've sworn was dead, and I guess I 
should be grateful to know that it's not.

Thinking back on it, I probably started to fall in love with her 
the day we met; the minute she threw that water in my face.  
What I really don't understand is how I could fall in love with 
a woman who treats me, more often that not, like last week's 
garbage.

Doesn't matter anymore, though.  Doesn't matter what I feel or 
don't feel.  Mulder's back now.  I don't know what the nature 
of their relationship is and I really don't care.  Whatever they 
mean to each other, they're together again and I don't belong.

"Agent Doggett?"

She actually left him to come out here to the hall.  Probably to 
chew me out for walking in before.  Better to take the 
offensive.  "Agent Scully, I'm sorry.  Didn't mean to interrupt 
you."

She can't seem to look me in the eye.  "It's okay, I was just... 
um..."

"Don't have to explain," I tell her.  I don't need to hear it.  
Seeing it is bad enough.  "Go back to him.  Go back to your 
partner."

I'm at least a hundred feet down the hall before I hear her 
voice.  "Agent Doggett?"  I don't know what she expects from 
me, but I'm not sticking around to find out.  She has him now.  
What further business could she possibly have with me?

"John!"

That does it.  Hearing her use my given name is a mild shock, 
but it's enough to stop me.  I turn, but don't walk back toward 
her.  She's coming to me.

She stops a foot in front of me and looks up at me.  It isn't until 
she takes my chin in hand and turns my head a little that I 
realize she's assessing the bruises on my face.  She probes at 
my jaw to make sure nothing's broken before she lets me go.  
"You should get some ice on that eye," she says.  "What 
happened?"

"Nothin' important."  Nothing she needs to worry about at the 
moment, at least.

She gets right to the point.  "Agent Doggett, what are you 
doing here?"

Good question.  I'm not completely sure myself.  "Checkin' up 
on Mulder."

She gives me an expectant look, enough to make me finish the 
sentence.  "Lookin' for you, Agent Scully."

"And you found me.  What's up?"

She ought to be thrilled to hear this.  "Just thought you should 
know Deputy Director Kersh rescinded his transfer offer."

"I'm sorry," she says, and I can't help but wonder what she 
means.

"Sorry that you're stuck with me?"

The second the words are out of my mouth I want to take them 
back.  This woman's been through enough hell lately; she 
doesn't need me taking shots.  But she doesn't even flinch.  

"Sorry that Kersh feels threatened enough to ruin your career," 
she corrects me.  "And sorry that he didn't give you a choice."

But he did.  I made my choice the minute I refused to back off 
the Mulder case when he told me to.  Tomorrow I might feel 
differently, but right this minute I'm sorry I did.

"To tell you the truth," Scully continues, "I'm glad you'll still 
be with the X-Files.  I don't like to think of Mulder doing the 
work alone while I'm on maternity leave."  Now her eyes meet 
mine.  "I feel better knowing that you'll be there to watch his 
back, as you've watched mine."

Not words I expected to hear, especially not today.  "Of course 
I will."  I pause as a thought hits.  "But will he watch mine?"

She knows immediately what I mean.  "Mulder is 
understandably... wary... about new partners after..."

"Alex Krycek," I finish for her.

Her eyes narrow.  "What do you know about Krycek?"

What do I know?  I know what my aching jaw and bruised ribs 
tell me.  I know what I read in the files and heard from Skinner.  
I know that he's a danger to Scully's child.  And I know that 
the next time I see that son of a bitch, he's a dead man.  "I read 
all the files, remember?  He's like a bad penny -- keeps turning 
up."

"Then you can see Mulder's viewpoint.  However, I've worked 
with you for six months, and I trust you.  I'm sure Mulder will 
take my word that he can trust you too, and you can trust him."

She trusts me?  That sure comes as news, and I'm not sure I 
can believe her.  "Agent Scully, why now?" I ask.  "All this 
time you've been wishin' I'd just go away.  Why the change 
now?"

"Agent Doggett, I haven't --"

"Don't tell me you haven't, Agent Scully."  I can't help it.  
Everything that's happened over the last twenty-four hours is 
starting to catch up with me.  "Don't tell me there's even one 
case we've worked over the last six months that you didn't 
wish you were workin' on with Mulder."

She studies the floor for a moment and takes a deep breath 
before replying.  "Okay, I admit that maybe I haven't been 
fair," she says softly.  "I probably haven't treated you as a full 
partner."

"Last week's garbage..."

I didn't think the words were loud enough, but she hears them 
and her blue eyes go wide for a second.  Great, I just blew it.  
"I didn't mean --"

"You did mean it, Agent Doggett," she says slowly, "and 
you're probably right.  If I've behaved that way, I apologize.  
The situation you found yourself in was not your fault, and I 
didn't make things any easier.  I'm sorry."

It's moments like this that make it plain why I love this 
woman.  It's moments like this that hurt the most.  "And I..."  I 
take a deep breath.  "I was wrong about opening the grave.  I'm 
sorry too."

She smiles, this full, radiant smile that I'm sure she saves only 
for Mulder.  "It doesn't matter now," she says with a little hitch 
in her voice that says she's trying not to cry.  "Everything 
worked out for the best, and that's all that counts."

Everything worked out for her and for Mulder.  Nothing 
worked out for me.  "You really think it's gonna work out with 
all three of us in that office?"

"Of course it will.  You'll see."

If she thinks that, she's dreaming.  "You and Mulder are like a 
well-oiled machine," I tell her, hoping she doesn't hear the 
sadness I hear in my own voice.  "You've been workin' 
together a long time, you work well together.  I'll just be the 
third wheel.  Useless."

"A third wheel isn't useless.  It's essential in a tricycle.  It adds 
stability to an otherwise unstable contraption."

Nice try, Scully.  You're not makin' me feel any better about 
this.  "Tricycles are for kids.  Bicycles are for adults."

"Bicycles need stability too," she says quietly.  "That's what 
you give us, Agent Doggett.  You've helped me to stay 
grounded over the last few months, and you'll help Mulder too.  
I'm sure we can make it work."

I'm too tired to argue this anymore.  I don't know if I can 
handle seeing her every day and knowing that she's his and 
can't ever be mine.  I don't know if I can stand knowing that 
I'm the afterthought in that basement office, the guy who 
doesn't belong there.  I don't even know if I can work with 
Mulder, who I've never actually met.  The whole thing feels 
wrong, but I give her a smile anyway.  "Sure we can."

I don't think I've ever told a partner a bigger lie than that.

Scully takes a step back and studies me for a second.  "You 
look exhausted," she says.  "Why don't you go home and get 
some rest?"

Sounds like a good idea to me.  "And you go back to Mulder.  
He's probably wondering where you went."

She takes a few steps down the hall, then turns again.  "It will 
all work out, Agent Doggett," she says.  "You won't be the 
third wheel.  You'll see."  And with that, she's gone.

I head slowly out of the hospital, toward my empty house.  
Alone.  I may not be the third wheel, but I'm still the odd man 
out.

~ Fin ~