Title:  Something Rational (1/2)
Author:  agent myers
Rating:  R
Keywords:  (Sort of) DSR, Doggett POV
Summary:  Though Dana Scully seemed calm on the outside, I knew there was a
storm raging inside her.  Of all the things she's seen and done, all the
things she's endured with Mulder, and now to face life without him...I knew
it was chaos in there.  I just wanted to ease that pain for her...to calm
the storm.
Spoilers:  Within, Without
Disclaimer:  They're not mine.  Duh.
Feedback:  I live for it.  
Archive:  Gossamer, XFMU, yes.  All others please ask, I'm sure I'll say
yes!
Author's Notes:  I never thought I'd see the day when I'd write DSR.  Mulder
belongs to Scully and Scully belongs to Mulder!  Darnit!  So this is just
for fun.  Don't even think about flaming me 'cause you don't like DSR.  I
don't like Slash, but I don't go and bitch people out for writing it.  Okay,
now that you all think I'm a big grump, here's the story!
Recommended Listening:  "500 Miles" by the Proclaimers, and "Fumbling
Towards Ecstasy" by Sarah McLachlan


***
 
[ Part One:  Doggett POV ]


She was hiding behind her computer screen.  I couldn't see her, but I heard
her.  She's was crying again.  Soft, muffled gasps in the quiet hum of the
office.  For the last two months I sat in that chair and listened to her
cry.

I thought she trusted me, but apparently not enough to see her cry.  Once or
twice I saw those tears, the burden within her pushing down so hard that she
couldn't contain it.  I held her...I wanted to her to know that I was there.
And that it was okay for her to cry.  That showing weakness didn't make her
weak.  It was selfish, but I hated being on the outside.  I wanted to be
right there next to her.  I wanted her to cry on my shoulder and feel her
tears soak through my shirt.

But I'm not Mulder, and I never will be.

We couldn't have been more different, Mulder and I.  Not that I wanted to be
Mulder.  There was only one thing about him that I wanted, and that was the
trust and love that Dana Scully had in him.  

If I was him I would have told her long ago.  But he disappeared, and I
started to believe that he was dead.  Of course she cried.  It was perfectly
obvious that Mulder was something of a soul mate to her, or so she believed.
I don't believe in soul mates.  I don't believe that there's only one woman,
among millions, that is my perfect match.  No one is a perfect match to
another.    

I stood up quickly, even though I had no real reason to.  She looked up at
me, over her computer screen.  She knew that I'd caught her.  She looked
away and wiped her eyes as I walked over to her desk.  I crouched down next
to her chair.  She wouldn't look at me.

"Scully."

"Hmm."

"Please tell me."

She closed her eyes.  She was on the verge of tears again; I recognized that
face.  I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms, to show her that,
while I may not be Mulder, I can still give her comfort.  I could give her
so much more if she'd just let me in.

"I'm fine."  That line is her trademark, and when she uses it, I know she's
not fine.

Bolder than I've ever felt before, I took her hand.  She looked at me in
surprise.  And I didn't know what to say.  There was so much to say that
couldn't be said.  I just looked at her with empathy, and hoped that she
would understand.

We shared a long moment.

She stood up, and I stood with her.  "Thank you." she said, the tears
beginning to fall again.  And she fell into my arms.  I wrapped them tightly
around her, my open mouth in her hair.  I stroked the back of her neck.

And she cried.  Softly at first, and then harder.  Her small frame shook
against my larger one, and I wanted to absorb her pain.  Her muffled cries
formed into words.

"I...I just don't know what's real anymore...when...when do I find...peace?
When do I find happiness..."

I squeezed her tighter then, and I felt her arms tighten in response.  I let
her cry.  I let her cry as long as she wanted.  A good five minutes.

"Damned hormones." she said, her head still against my chest.  "I'm sorry."

"You got nothin' to be sorry about, Scully."  My voice cracked.

She pulled her head up and looked me straight in the eye.  And then I think
she saw it.

"All this time I've felt so cold inside.  Empty.  But...I should have just
came to you.  My partner."

I nodded, and smiled.  It was the first time I'd heard her refer to me as
her partner without regret or distaste.  She never meant it, and she
couldn't help it.  I just wasn't Mulder.

I released her, and she let go of me slowly.  She grabbed a tissue.

"Listen," I said, crouching down again, "you wanna come over for dinner
tonight?  Talk some more?"

She hesitated and I thought she would say no.  In fact, I expected her to
say no before I even asked.  

"That sounds nice."

I think she saw my surprise.  She smiled.  I nodded and returned the smile,
and got up to go back to my chair.  I planned out a meal in my head, and
tried to think of all the stops I could pull out to make her happy that
evening.


***


I lit a couple of candles.  I didn't want to make the room look romantic,
but I did want it to be comfortable.  And the soft glow of candlelight has
always had the ability to calm me.

Though Dana Scully seemed calm on the outside, I knew there was a storm
raging inside her.  Of all the things she's seen and done, all the things
she's endured with Mulder, and now to face life without him...I knew it was
chaos in there.  Confusion must be nothing new to her.  I could surely
understand that, having lost two of the closest people in my life, my wife
and my son.  And I could understand the need to hide it as well.  The fear
that drives you to keep it all inside.  But everyone has their breaking
point.  And when the dam breaks, it's usually not pretty.  I just wanted to
ease that pain for her...to calm the storm.

She would never guess that I can be like this.  I know she thought I was a
total asshole the first time she met me.  She didn't hide it.  On the
contrary, she threw water in my face.  I think that was the first time she
shocked me.  She was a spitfire.  I had certainly underestimated her.

What surprised me next was her strength.  I read her files...I knew all
about her cancer, the deaths in her family, finding out she couldn't have
children.  And then Mulder, the pregnancy.  She wasn't fragile.  I didn't
realize it.  

And then, I surprised myself, because my feelings for Scully had become more
than paternal.  They started out that way, a need to bring some kind of
comfort to her chaotic life.  But as time passed, I found myself admiring
her on a more affectionate level.  As strong as I may have appeared, I was
scared to death to show her affection, no matter how she would have taken
it.

And part of me wondered how she *would* take it.  I could fantasize all I
want, but in reality I never thought she'd welcome my advances.  Shit, she
worked with Mulder for seven years...and I'd been in her life less than a
year.  She didn't take to people quickly.

The doorbell rang.  I tossed the lighter on the table and went to answer the
door.  When I opened the door, she was smiling slightly.  She was wearing
jeans and simple t-shirt, and she looked relaxed.  

"Hi." She said, and I returned the greeting as I let her in.  She looked
around the room as though she'd never seen it before.  

"Hope you're hungry.  I made lasagna."

She looked impressed.  "You're a regular Martha Stewart, John."

"Only by necessity, I assure you." I said, grinning.  I took her coat and
hung it in the closet.  It smelled like her, like vanilla and some sort of
sweet flower.  I tried to memorize it.

She sat down on the couch, and I offered to get her something to drink
without alcohol or caffeine.

"Orange juice sounds great." She said

I hurried off to the kitchen, and quickly poured the juice into a wine
flute.  She smiled when I handed it to her.  I cracked open a beer.  She
sighed, and looked at it longingly.

"I really wish I could have one of those.  Might take the edge off." She
said, half laughing.  I sat opposite her on the couch.

"Yeah, not only do you have to go through the chemical imbalances and stuff,
you have to face it drug-free.  I sure don't envy you."

We shared a laugh, and then Scully's face turned serious.

"John, I...I want to apologize for...breaking down on you today."

I sat my beer down on the coffee table.  "You don't have to apologize for
anything, Scully."

"But...I..."

"But nothin'.  I'm your partner.  If you can't lean on me, Scully, then who
can you lean on?"

She was quiet for a moment, staring at her juice glass.  "I just miss him,
John."

"I know."  I wanted to tell her again that I would find him, but the
likelihood of that was diminishing as each day passed.  I didn't want to
make her a promise I couldn't keep.

"I know you probably think that Mulder and I were lovers."

Her statement caught me off-guard, and I wasn't sure how to answer.  "I've
wondered, but I don't assume."

She sat back against the couch and examined her drink once more.

"We weren't."

I nodded, grateful to hear her tell me something so obviously private to
her.

"Mulder and I have a special relationship, but we've never...slept together.
He's my best friend...he's always been there, always understood me even when
I didn't understand myself.  He's been the center of my universe for the
last seven years.  I do love him, just not the way most people think."

She was silent.  I didn't want to say anything to stop her from letting out
what she clearly needed to share.  But her words affected me deeply.  Yes, I
had believed they were lovers.  To discover that they had not been was
surprising.  Truth be told, I was glad.  She looked up at me, and then down
again.

"And now I feel like the only person who has known me - really known me - is
gone.  There's still so many questions to answer.  And being pregnant...it's
just all too consuming.  He's usually the one that stops the world from
spinning so fast.  Know what I mean?"

I nodded, though I knew I would never really understand their relationship
the way they do.

"I want to help you, Scully.  I'm not Mulder, but..."

"I don't expect you to be Mulder, John." She said.  I regarded her for a
moment.

"I just want you to know that you can trust me now.  I want you to feel like
you can lean on me like you leaned on Mulder.  I just...I only want to take
away some of the chaos."

Tears formed in her eyes and spill down her cheeks.  "I want that, too.  I
just don't know how to let you."

"This is a good start."

She smiled slightly behind her tears, and nodded in agreement.  I got up and
crossed the distance between us, and sat down beside her.  She fell into my
arms, as though she had been waiting for this moment since she arrived at my
door.

I let her pull away from me after a long moment.  I grabbed a tissue from
the endtable, and hand it to her.  She dried her eyes.

"Thank you, John.  For everything."

"Don't mention it.  Ready to eat?"

"Oh, God, yes."

I smiled and stood up, and went off to the kitchen to pull the lasagna out
of the oven where it been was warming.  I sliced the garlic bread, and
stirred the corn.  I turned to look at Scully, who was down on her hands and
knees looking at my video collection.

"Goodness, John.  I think you have every Sesame Street Sing-A-Long ever
made."

I laughed.  "I do.  Luke loved those when he was little.  You can borrow 'em
if you want."

She looked up and smiled.  "I just might do that."

I spooned huge helpings of lasagna and corn onto plates, and put a piece of
garlic bread neatly on the side of the plate.  Then I got an idea.

"You wanna watch a movie while we eat?"

"That sounds like fun."

"Alright...you pick out the flick, I'll bring the food."

"Even if it's a chick flick?"

"Even if it's a chick flick."

I smiled to myself, and prayed that she would pick out something I could
stomach.  I carried the two plates, silverware, napkins and the decanter of
orange juice to the coffee table.  When I got there, Scully had picked her
movie.

"Deuce Bigalow?"  I asked.

She nodded, grinning.  I shrugged, thinking that "Deuce Bigalow: Male
Gigolo" didn't really seem like Scully's type, but maybe tonight she needed
a laugh.  I handed her the plate.

"Oh.  I want that." She breathed, and I took the plate and the fork from me.
I smiled proudly, and stick the movie in the VCR.  I fast-forwarded through
previews, and let the movie roll as we dig into our lasagna.

Ten minutes later, I hopped up to get Scully another helping of lasagna.
Scully sat next to me on the couch, and we both put our feet up on the
coffee table to watch the movie.

I considered myself lucky to be sitting next to the enigmatic Dana Scully.
I wondered if this is how Mulder felt when he spent time with her outside of
work, if her presence calmed and excited him as much as it calms and excites
me.  To actually be a part of her life for a few hours felt like the
greatest gift ever.

Throughout the movie, I gradually felt her slump closer towards me.  Her
shoulders relaxed and leaned against mine.  As the last scene of the movie
rolled, I felt her head heavy against my shoulder.  I looked down.

She was asleep.

I didn't want to move.  She looked so peaceful, and I couldn't imagine
disturbing her.  It afforded me the opportunity to watch her as well.  I
stared at her face, her beautiful face.  A piece of hair had fallen before
her eyes, and I swept it gently away, brushing her skin slightly.  I wished
that I could touch her.  I wish that she wanted me to touch her.

But I'm not Mulder, and I never will be.

So, for now, I can only watch.  I can only bear witness to this exquisite
person from a distance.  If I never have another moment with her, at least I
will have this as a memory to look back on when I ache to calm her tears.
And maybe someday she will know that, while I may not be Mulder, I can still
be there for her.  I will be the one who follows her where she goes, who
protects her because I want to, not because it is my assignment, and not
because I am paid to do it.  

And if she'd only let me, I'd be the one who comes home to her, who sleeps
next to her at night, and the one who thinks the world would collapse if she
felt one ounce of sorrow.  At that moment, I could've been that man, I
would've died to be that man.  

Sighing silently, I slipped my arm around her waist and under her legs.  I
stood slowly, I picked her up, and I carried her up the stairs to my
bedroom. 


~F~


***

Oh yeah, there will be a sequel...


Check out my other fanfic at www.agentmyersexperience.digitalbomb.com