Title: Something Rational (2/2) Author: agent myres Rating: R Keywords: DSR (sort of!), Angst, Scully POV Summary: Deep down I felt it. Attraction. But just behind that attraction laid guilt. How could I do this to Mulder? What if he's alive? What if he comes back, safe and normal, and finds that I have forgotten him after just two months? I was gone once, and when I came back, he was there. He's always been. Spoilers: Within, Without Disclaimer: They're not mine. Duh. Feedback: I live for it. Archive: Gossamer, XFMU, yes. All others please ask, I'm sure I'll say yes! Author's Notes: See part one for all-inclusive notes. To be honest, I intended to go a lot farther with this story than I did. But I simply don't believe that a relationship between Scully and Doggett could come about after spending one night together, period. I do believe that Scully would suffer greatly in deciding between Mulder (who's missing) and Doggett. In reality (what's that?), I don't think Scully would choose Doggett, but knowing a few things about Scully, Doggett seems more her type than Mulder, if you ask me. ::dodges flying objects:: Okay, quit it! I'm a die-hard MSR 'shipper, this is just an experiment... Recommended Listening: "Head Over Feet" by Alanis, "Everything" by Lifehouse *** "Something Rational" by agent myers [ Part Two: Scully POV ] Soft shadows danced across the ceiling, illuminated by the candlelight. The room seemed to be filled with haze, and I couldn't see his face, but I felt his body. He was closer than close to me. He was inside me. I heard and felt his breath against my ear, a sign that he was close. His motions were smooth, as though we floated on water. Through the blurry haze, I looked at him. His face came closer to mine, and suddenly, I saw my lover's face. John. My eyes flew open. Still lying beneath the cool sheets, I was vaguely aware that I was not in my own bedroom. The sun shone brightly through the windows of the room. I looked around me. A king sized bed. And then I remembered. I was in John Doggett's bedroom. A sudden panic spread through me as I tried to remember last night. We had dinner, and then watched the movie, and then...nothing. Blank. I sat up finally, my eyes darting around. John was not in the room. I looked down at the sheets and blankets. The other half of the bed was still made, tucked underneath the pillows. And I was still wearing my clothes. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. And then I heard a knocking at the door. My head shot up, and John Doggett stood in the doorway. "Scully...you alright?" I shook my head. "I'm fine...why?" He took a step in the room. "I thought I heard...something." I'll bet you did, I thought. "I just...I didn't know where I was for a minute." John came into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. "You crashed last night. It was late, so I just brought you up here." He said, smiling slightly. My stomach fluttered at the thought of John carrying me up the stairs, like some hero to save the damsel in distress. I only wish I could remember the feel of his arms around me. "You...want some breakfast? I make great scrambled eggs..." John asked me. My stomach turned and I instinctively placed a hand on my middle. "Uh, no offense to your cooking...your lasagna was great...but since I've gotten pregnant, my stomach doesn't get along too well with eggs." I said sheepishly. John and I hadn't talked much about the pregnancy. I avoided the topic, I noticed, as though it was something I should be embarrassed to talk about. I wasn't...it was the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy that bothered me. "My wife loved chinese food, but when she got pregnant she couldn't so much as smell it and she'd be running to the bathroom." He said, his eyes lighting up. "But other than that, being pregnant was a great experience. For both of us." He examined the floor as he told me this. I nodded and smiled, though I felt a pang of sadness in my chest. I had always imagined that, when I was pregnant, I would be married, and that I would experience it step-by-step with my husband. I never imagined that I would be going it alone, doing the single mother routine. I realized I had been quiet for a long moment. "You okay, Scully?" "Hm? Yes, I'm fine...just thinking. I never thought I'd be...pregnant and..." "Alone?" He finished. "Yeah." "It's tough." I nodded. Unbearable was more like it, but I didn't say it. "Scully...you don't have to be alone." I looked up at him. "What I mean is, if you want someone to...talk to, and maybe go to appointments with...I'm just your partner and all, but, I've had experience in that area." My heart swelled as I listened to his proposition. I could sense his slight discomfort, but I could also recognize his sincerity. I wanted to reach out for him. "That means a lot. Thank you." He shrugged. "I just hate to see you like this. You deserve more." What do I deserve? Do I deserve a man who wants to feed me lasagna and take me to my doctor's appointments? Do I deserve a man who wants to spend his time just being with me instead of dragging me through hell only to leave me in it, alone? Damn Mulder. Damn him, I think angrily. He left me here. He left me alone. No, I thought. That's not fair, when so many times he had sought the truth in my name. My cancer, Antarctica...I can't begin to name all the times that I was the center of his search, the reason. I owe him at least that. But while Mulder may have been my savior in all of the chaos that we've experienced the last seven years, he has never been the kind of man I would choose to spend the rest of my life with. Since I became pregnant, the need for a quiet life has been more and more important. But quiet has never been Mulder's friend. The quiet only gives him time to think of the pain in his life, of all the damage inside him. Everyone has pain, and to believe otherwise is just self-absorption. John Doggett has experienced great loss in his life; the death of his wife and his son, and still he finds the strength to continue. But what does he want with me, I thought? The way he's looking at me now, and the way he's catered to me in the past twenty-four hours has astounded me. It makes me wonder if there's a reason for all this attention, or if he's simply being a good partner. I guess I've never had a "normal" partner, the kind that you only interact with on an eight-to-five basis, and it makes me wonder. What made him pick me up so gently and carry me to his bedroom, and tuck me beneath the sheets? What made him want to make me dinner? What made him come to me in the office and comfort me with those soft blue eyes and gentle voice? I didn't know if I was terrified or hopeful. Yes, I did. Deep down I felt it. Attraction. But just behind that attraction laid guilt. How could I do this to Mulder? What if he's alive? What if he comes back, safe and normal, and finds that I have forgotten him after just two months? I was gone once, and when I came back, he was there. He's always been. "Thank you, John." I said simply. There was nothing else I could say then. I was stuck in between two rocks, two lives. Two men. I laughed silently at the notion. John smiled and gave me an innocent pat on the knee. "Anytime." He says, a little to earnestly. And suddenly I had to get out of there. I stood up. "I'm supposed to meet my mother this morning." I said, lying. "I have to go." "Sure. I'll walk you down." He said. I started out of the room and I felt his hand on the small of my back. I stiffened...I don't think he noticed. But the feeling was just a little too familiar. And missed. He retrieved my coat from the closet and handed it to me. "Thanks." I said, finding my keys in the pocket. He just smiled and opened the door for me. "See you Monday?" I nodded. "Monday. See you then." I started to turn away, when something held me back. I looked back at John, standing in the doorway. His face...I couldn't quite figure it out...was it sadness? I walked to him, and hugged him tightly. I wanted to say something, something to describe how I felt, but I couldn't. Because I didn't really know myself. Without a word, I pulled away, slowly, and headed for the car. I got in and started the engine. Out of the corner of my eye I saw John's door close. I leaned my head back against the headrest, and sighed, closing my eyes. And taking a last look at his house, I drove away. I knew I would be back. It was just a question of when. ~F~ *** This story could go anywhere...feedback is appreciated! DO check out my other fanfic at www.agentmyersexperience.digitalbomb.com. MSR, DRR, DSR...all stories are 'shipper friendly, rated G through NC-17.